Your emotional state is not only determined by the process that ensures your physical existence. Your ego is also a big factor in the formation of your feelings, so keep that in mind. Therefore, if you want to have greater control over your feelings, it is essential for you to have a solid understanding of what your ego is and how it functions. Now, let’s get this concept of ego out in the open. It is common to remark about a person, “he has a huge ego,” with the ego being understood to be synonymous with pride in this context.
Although pride is unquestionably an expression of ego, it is important to note that this is only one aspect of the concept. You could not exhibit any signs of pride and give the impression of humility, yet your ego might still be in charge. Therefore, what exactly is the ego? Ego is a term that refers to the self-identity that you have built up over the course of your life. How exactly did this persona come to be?
To put it another way, your ideas are responsible for the creation of your ego, and since it is a mental construct, it cannot exist independently of your mind. Your experiences are meaningless in and of themselves; they just are what they are. Your perspective on what transpired is the only thing that can provide them with significance. In addition, you accept things about yourself that other people have advised you to do because you listen to them. In addition to this, you have a comparable method of identifying with your name, your age, your religion, your political belief system, or your career.
This connection does have certain repercussions. As we’ll see further on in this book, attachment results in the formation of beliefs, and the formation of specific emotions follows the formation of those beliefs. For instance, you can feel upset when other people make negative comments about your faith or attack the political values that you hold dear. Please take note that throughout this book, we will refer to the ego as either your “narrative” or your “identity,” and that we will use both terms interchangeably.
Have you given any thought to your ego?
Your degree of self-awareness directly influences your capacity to comprehend the inner workings of your ego. People who are operating at the most primitive level of awareness are not even aware that the ego exists, and as a consequence, they are completely controlled by it. On the other side, persons who have a high level of self-consciousness are able to look beyond their ego. They comprehend the workings of belief as well as the ways in which an unhealthy connection to a certain set of beliefs may lead to pain in one’s life.
In practise, these people learn to rule their own minds and find inner tranquilly, which is a significant step toward achieving this goal. It is important to keep in mind that the ego is not inherently good or evil; rather, it is the product of a lack of self-awareness. Ego and consciousness are incompatible states; thus, as soon as you become aware of it, it disappears.
The urge for your ego to have an identity.
Your ego is a self-centered creature that is exclusively concerned with ensuring its continued existence. It’s interesting to note that the way it works is somewhat similar to the way your brain does. It has its own mechanism for survival and will do all in its power to continue existing. As is the case with your brain, the major interest of this organ is neither your contentment nor your mental tranquilly. On the other hand, your ego feels tense and unsettled.
It encourages you to be proactive and take initiative. It encourages you to take on challenging endeavours, amass valuable assets, and realise significant successes so that you may “become someone.” As was said before, in order for your ego to exist, it must have an identity. The process that accomplishes this goal is called identification, and it may take place with objects, people, or beliefs and ideas. Now, let’s take a look at some of the strategies your ego employs in order to bolster its identity:
Things that are tangible
The ego has a strong need to identify with physical objects. In the modern world, it is quite successful. It’s possible that we may argue that capitalism and the consumer society we live in now were both the product of collective egos, which is why capitalism has been the preeminent paradigm of economic activity in the most recent decades. Marketers have a good grasp on the urge consumers have to associate themselves with brands and products.
They are aware that customers do not just purchase a thing; rather, they also purchase the feelings or the narrative that is associated with the object. When you want to convey a specific image of who you are to the world, you often choose to dress a certain way or drive a certain vehicle. For instance, you could wish to raise your social standing, seem hip, or express your one-of-a-kind personality, and in order to do so, you might pick the things that are most closely connected with the principles described above. The ego functions by making use of objects in order to construct a narrative with which one may identify. It does not always imply that anything is inherently incorrect. Only when you allow yourself to get unduly connected to material things and believe that they can complete you despite the fact that they cannot, is this a problem.
Your body
The majority of individuals base their sense of self-worth on how they present themselves physically. Because it is the simplest thing to perceive and measure, your ego places a lot of importance on the way you appear. When you have a strong association with your physical appearance, you have a tendency to connect with the discomfort of both your body and your mind more readily. You may find that hard to believe, yet it is possible to examine your body without ‘identifying with’ it.
Friends/acquaintances
Additionally, the ego receives its feeling of identity from the connections you have with other people. The ego is mainly concerned with what it can take away from such relationships. To put it another way, the ego flourishes when it is able to manipulate other individuals in order to bolster its sense of identity. If you are honest with yourself, you will see that the majority of the things you do are motivated by the need to get the favour of other people. You want your wife to adore you, your parents to be proud of you, and your employer to respect you. All three of these things are important to you. Now, let’s look at the following scenarios in further depth to see how the ego functions:
Relationships between parents and children
A strong feeling of connection and identity may be formed between certain parents and their offspring as a direct result of the parents’ inflated senses of self-importance. The erroneous assumption that their children are their “possessions” serves as the foundation for this connection. As a consequence of this, they strive to exert control over their children’s lives and ‘exploit’ them so that they may lead the life that they craved when they were younger; this behaviour is referred to as living vicariously via one’s offspring. This occurs often in your experience. During the next junior soccer (or baseball) game you see, keep an eye on the parents sitting on the sidelines to notice how some of them respond. Find the parents who are living vicariously through their children; these are the ones who are yelling the loudest, and not just in an encouraging manner. It’s possible that this occurs primarily unknowingly.
Couples
The experience of being dependent on another person is also largely a product of the ego’s manipulations. When it comes to putting things into perspective, Anthony de Mello’s statement that “loneliness is not alleviated by human companionship” is really stunning. Contact with reality, namely the realisation that we don’t need the company of others, is the antidote to loneliness.
You’ll be able to start appreciating the company of others after you come to terms with the fact that you don’t really need anybody. You don’t have to attempt to coerce them into giving you anything; you can just observe them for what they are.
Your beliefs
Your beliefs help to reinforce your identity, which is something that your ego does as well. In severe circumstances, individuals might become so emotionally invested in their views that they are willing to give their lives to defend them. Even worse, they are prepared to murder those who disagree with them and their viewpoints. The perils of being too attached to one’s views are well shown by the example of religion. The ego will use any belief, regardless of whether that belief is religious, political, or metaphysical, in order to fortify its sense of self-identity.
Other potential identifiers are as follows:
Now, let’s have a look at a list of items that your ego often gets its identity from. Keep in mind that this list is not comprehensive.
- Your body
- Your given name
- Your gender
- What country you hail from
- Your culture
- Your loved ones and companions
- Your beliefs (political beliefs, religious, etc.)
- Your own unique experience (your interpretation of the past, your expectations regarding the future)
- Your difficulties (illnesses, financial situation, victim mindset, etc.)
- Your age
- Your job
- Your place in the social order
- Your role (as employee, homemaker, parental status, employment status, etc.)
- Things made of material (your house, car, clothes, phone, etc.)
- Your desires
The primary qualities of the ego
The following is a list of important elements of the ego:
- The ego often confuses the concept of ‘having’ with the concept of ‘being,’ which is why the ego prefers to connect with material things.
- Comparison is the very blood that sustains the ego. Your ego enjoys making comparisons between itself and the egos of others.
- Ego is never content, even when it thinks it is. Your ego is never satisfied with what it has. More notoriety, more material possessions, more acknowledgement, and so forth.
- The ego’s perception of self-worth is often tied to how valuable the individual is seen to be by other people. Your ego cannot feel valuable until it receives the approval of other people.
The urge of the ego to feel superior to others
Your ego craves the feeling of having an advantage over other egos. It is striving to stand out from the crowd, and in order to do so, it must establish artificial separations. The following are some of the tactics that it uses:
Increasing its worth via the involvement of individuals
Your ego will associate with clever and famous people as a way to bolster its identity if you have pals in those categories. This is the reason why some individuals like bragging to others about how brilliant, wealthy, or well-known their pals are.
Gossiping
People gossip because it gives them the impression that they are better than others in some manner. This is the reason why some individuals like bringing down the reputations of others and talking about them behind their backs: it gives them and everyone else in their gang of gossipers a sense of superiority.
Having an inferiority mentality and displaying it
This conceals a wish to think of oneself as superior to other people. People do, even in this situation, want to believe that they are better than others.
Displaying arrogance and a sense of superiority
This helps to conceal the worry that one is not good enough.
Searching for more notoriety
People often fantasise about being famous because they believe it would bestow upon them the feeling of superiority.
Being correct
The ego takes great pride in being right. It is a wonderful opportunity for it to validate its existence in this manner. Have you taken note of the fact that every single person, from Adolf Hitler to Nelson Mandela, is certain that they are doing morally? The majority of individuals have the opinion that they are right. But is it possible for everyone to be correct?
Complaining
People who complain are, by definition, of the opinion that they are in the right and that others are in the wrong. It also works with many kinds of things. Have you ever accidentally collided with a table and then expressed regret or even criticised the table? I have, and that damned table should not have been in the way like that, should it?
Trying to get people’s attention
Ego has a strong need to be noticed. It adores being singled out for praise, adoration, or acknowledgment. People may also commit crimes, wear bizarre clothing, or cover their body with tattoos in order to attract attention.
The influence of your ego on your feelings
If you want to have greater control over your feelings, it might assist to have a better understanding of how your ego operates. In order to do this, you must first acknowledge that the narrative you are now telling yourself is the product of a strong connection with certain people, things, or concepts. This profound sense of identification is the source of a great deal of the unfavourable feelings that you go through in your life. For example, you can feel irritated when the events of life don’t play out according to your own particular tale, or you might get defensive when someone criticises one of your beliefs.
In a nutshell, the majority of your feelings are determined by your background and the manner in which you interpret the outside world. You will be able to feel more positive emotions when you replace your present narrative with one that is more powerful and, at the same time, let go of your excessive connection to things, people, or ideas. This will allow you to experience more freedom in your life. In the next chapters of this book, we’ll look at how your perspective on past events might shift over time.
